Okay, maybe it’s not that serious, but it feels like it is.
I have been a stay at home mom for 7 months now with our three kids. I haven’t been working, but technically am still employed because I’m on a personal leave of absence. Yesterday, though, I went to my job and turned in my resignation papers. I actually got a little teary eyed as I handed it to my boss. It’s not that I’m sad about staying home with the kids. I love it and wouldn’t trade it, but I did feel like I was handing over my independence along with that form. I am officially completely living on my husband’s income.
Before having kids, I felt like I was an independent woman. Sure, I was married and had joint bills with my husband, but I had my own insurance, car payment, career, bank account, and income. Slowly, those things have all slipped away from me.
First the insurance went. My husband’s plan was much cheaper and better for the family, so I opted out of mine and signed up for his. When we found out we were having another kid, we bought a mini van (Luckily so, because we didn’t even know we were having twins yet). I said bye bye to the days of driving my little Ford Fusion around and hello to THREE car seats, giant strollers, and countless french fries lost under the seats. None of this bothered me in the least. I still had a few things that were just mine and I had some control over where the money I made went.
After being at home with the kids for a few months and not receiving a paycheck, my bank started charging me to keep my account open since no money was being direct deposited in there anymore. So I cancelled it. This one was the one that made me start feeling the control I had over my life slip away. I didn’t even have my own money anymore. I transferred what was in my account to our joint account and reduced my savings down to half of what it was to help out with bills. How could I justify keeping that much money in my own savings account when my husband is working his butt off to bring home the bacon???
So, here I am with next to no money in my own name, my beloved car sits in the driveway, abandoned, and I’m relying on my husband’s job to cover my insurance. But, even though we had already planned on my staying home for the next year, it wasn’t final. It wasn’t written in stone and I hadn’t told my boss just yet. Once the form was completed, though, I felt the door slam on my ability to care for myself. I now completely rely on my husband for everything. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am so lucky to be able to stay home with my kids and that I have someone willing to work his rear end off to make that possible. But, giving up my freedom seems like quite the sacrifice…
Maybe all SAHMs go through this for a period of time…let’s hope I don’t lose my mind along with the ability to shower, eat, or pee by myself…Thoughts for today.
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